I'm so tired that I can't sleep, sit and drink Pennroyal tea...

Alright. Well. I'm in less shock this week than I was last week. It's still rough, though. I'll post a partial transcript of what I sent my mother, as I'd mentioned I'd had a minor mental crisis and she was worried. I feel like I summed it well.

"As far as my little crisis, my sociology class got to the concept of
Hegemony and the media, and how 95% of the media is controlled by six major
companies- and that's it- and how those companies are guided by the advertisers
who pay them... when I was younger, my biggest fear was being manipulated
without knowing it. I'd been manipulated so many times by my peers because of
how gullible (remember Alex Lazar??) and I was -aware- of being manipulated by
the school system... as I became more and self aware, I began to question how
much of myself was -me- and how much was what other people told me I was, and I identified the thing that made me most afraid was that I wasn't in control of
myself, was that I -wasn't- actually the one making decisions and thinking for
myself.

And then in sociology, we get to this understanding of hegemony- the way
the dominant social group shapes the very thought constructs of every group in
society to maintain the status quo, be it willful- advertising- or subconscious
reinforcement of unfair social constructions, like sexism. I used to think that
the latter was kind of conspiracy-theory-ish, and sort of rolled my eyes at
people whining about the patriarchy or racism because 'It's so much better now
it isn't even a problem!!' But then I started seeing it more and more in
everything I did- I watched a movie, there it was. I tried to read a fantasy
novel, only to start noticing that the protagonists were all fair skinned and
that the big evil they faced was darkness from the south born of dark skinned
women. I mean. I never even SAW these things before. And now I'm seeing them
everywhere- EVERY WHERE I LOOK. ... but... I guess a part of me always knew
that the things I perceived as natural and normal- weren't, really, outside the
boundaries of specific society.

There was a part of me that already knew my deepest fear was a reality.
So, yeah. It was jarring to suddenly realize how insidious it was... but... life
goes on. I have to accept that my thoughts aren't truly my own, and that my
opinions are bound to be strongly influenced by both upbringing and the messages
sent to me every day, everywhere I go. I can't hide from it, but maybe being
aware of it- all of these subtle and not so subtle reinforcements- will help me
to avoid being trapped by it."

It's changing the way I think. I'm seeing things I never saw before, and- like in Ishmael- I'm shocked that I never saw them.

But I'd rather see the bars to my cage than pace it and wonder why- why- why...

... at least now I know. And I can fight, regardless of how little it may or may not change. I feel a little more in charge of my own being, and I can only do my best not to let myself be trapped in fallacies and soothed by the status quo.

There's a part of me that hates being right.

The rest of me is resigned. Somewhere inside, I'm certain I knew it all along. Being an outsider, I felt it in my heart- this dissonance. The control.